the thing we call "friendship"

an old friend actually rang me this morning. the conversation, as follows:-

Mr. R: hey how are you? where were you yesterday? (i left my mobile at my colleague's table after a heaty discussion. saw that Mr.R missed call me for 5 times already, gave him a call from my office's number but he didnt picked up. later i learnt that he purposely didnt pick it up as he thought i would be a sales lady trying to sell some holiday vouchers, hhahaha, anyways...)

pretty: at work, am fine thanks, how are u?

Mr. R: i am fine, just wondering how u are. i dreamt abt you twice and i was worried and thought of giving you a call.

pretty: (how sweet i think ;-) )oh, im okay, things are the same and stuff...

so then we continue talking abt other general stuff bla bla bla. its amazing that he still manage to keep in touch with me after all this years. we have been friends since Form 1. we lost contact here and there but then we manage to meet up sumhow 3 or 4 years ago and yeah been friends again till now. he would call me at least once a month just to say hi.

actually i dont know where am going with this. let's focus.

so maybe what i am saying is that what we do in life lies by the choices we make. Mr. R in high school was chasing after me like crazy. love letters, cards, chocolates under your desk everyday kinda thing, such a sweety. for a Form 1 student, he sure had a lot of money to spent on me. but we always remain friends as "love" insist to hide sumwhere gods knows where until later on in my late teens. but he remain to be a friend up till now, him living happily with his wife and 2 kids. this makes me happy as im happy for him.

what am getting at is, when we talk about friendship, the topic at hand is so wide and universal. there are new and old friends. but what makes one a good friend? is it the time factor? or is it the degree of chemistry and how you click with the other person?...hmmmm...or birds of the same feathers flock together kinda thing? or common interest works every time? ;-) or the respect, the love, the appreciantion and understanding that each share and instill in one's self?

this brings back to what happened between me and Mr. Z. me and Mr. z has been friends for like let me count, since 12 or 13 years ago. seems ancient even. he is my boo.we got really close perhaps since i got back in 2002 time. but we fell out last september and it left me sad and i admit, it did bothers me a lot. but then ive learnt to accept the fact that sumtimes things just happened. you cannot force people to share the same views as you do. sumtimes people put their ego too much on the line. there are also people out there who always misunderstood the intention of others despite after knowing us and be close with us for years. there are people out there who i think doesnt value friendship in the right sense, selfish and only think abt whos right and whos wrong. its all about pointing fingers to them. people who got bruised for the smallest things and forget what actually matters. people who throw "care and friendship" back to your face.


friends told me "dah la pretty, let it go". i wish i can. i didnt let it go but ive accepted it. ive done wat i can. Mr. Z promised to arrange a meeting to apologize to the significant people but still until to day, there is no news. left me wonder of what was his real feelings and what was he thinking towards the issue that we had during our last conversation at Mr. J and Mrs J's wedding. did he mean what he said ? or is it am hoping too much? does our friendship means so little? doesnt he care abt me anymore? did we have sumthing special? arent we close enuff for you to let your ego aside for the sake of our friendship? does it take that much effort to talk it over coffee and pour our hearts out about the issues outstanding? didnt you owe me that much? was i wrong? should i say sorry for things that i dont think that i do wrong? dont you respect me enuff to give and to treat me with decency and not to ignore me ? do we not reach that "comfort level" where we can say whatever to each other without feeling uncomfortable? dont you ever CARE?

some friends or people just shut down. total shut down, they might have problems or reasons, god knows wat, they may even be angry at us for some reason or another, but they just shut down. they wont talk abt it, but then later you receive a note of goodbye or even SMS without any explanation attached. blink! blink! or some friends got angry at you, ignore you for like days months watever, then would call you for a coffe and chat along like nothing happened. eeerrrr??? helow???? MR. Z is so have to do full explanation of his behaviour if he wants to be my friend again!


fyi, i lost many friends over the years. some i purposely delete from my list of frens, some i lost from this kinda event. some i dont think deserves to be even called a fren, no need to mention la why. so it sadden me when things like that happens. oh well! i think ive been patient way too much over some things, to people's actions and behaviour nowadays.


but am also happy as i have changed a lot too during the years. i think i manage to keep good friends around me. people that i can share my laugher as well as tears. i discard friends who are not worth my time. i have changed from a hot tempered person to more laid back and try to open my circle of friends and not to be rigid on that, (tho the result as fas as i know doesnt look too good so far) i had become more penyabar and do more things that i like to do. i do gym to brush my social skills (hahahhahaha) as well of keeping myself healthy and i read books to fill my time.

sumtimes when i lie on my bed at nite listening to my baby i just could laugh my heads off and/or at times, i can actually just gelengkan kepala berkali kali wondering why things happened the way they were. sumtimes the questions of why me or what the F***, or wat the hell? comes about. but yeah at times we just wonder how when where or why.

so at this moment of minor confusion and disbelief about certain things that people said abt me and things that happened, i listen to the song "kumohon" by sheila majid over and over again recently. this songs whenever i am down, would be one of the song that i would listen to before i go to sleep with a silent prayer to God to give me the strength to change the things that i can change and for me to accept the things that i cannot control and change.

so my song for today that i wana share is kumohon as follows:-

Ku Mohon
Artist: Sheila Majid

Setiap hari kumohon
Agar Kau sentiasa
Memberiku ketenangan dalam hati... kekuatan
Menempuh segala dugaan yang mencabar ini
Pasti punya ertinya

Engkau beriku harapan
Menjawab segala persoalan
Hadapi semua dengan tenang
Dengan merasa kesyukuran
Ku doa Kau selalu
Mengawasai gerak-geriku
Berkatilah ku penuh rahmat dari Mu

Oh Tuhan terangkan hati dalam sanubariku
Oh Tuhan ku berserah segalanya kepadamu
Agar jiwaku tenang dengan bimbingan Mu selalu

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